The quote, “we accept the love we think we deserve” comes from the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. A teacher gives the main character, Charlie, this advice about relationships.
It means that people tend to end up in relationships where they are treated as well or as poorly as they believe they merit. If someone thinks they are undeserving of real love and affection, they may accept a toxic or abusive partner instead. The quote suggests we must believe we deserve goodness before we can have it.
You learn about love from the moment you’re conceived; you learn how love feels and what conditions are set upon it. That’s the meaning of we accept the love we think we deserve – your early experiences determine the love you know, seek, and believe you deserve.
These experiences allow you to develop an image of yourself. This self-image reflects how you are perceived and treated by those around you.
If you are treated with respect and love, your self-image will be largely positive (or realistic). If you’re mistreated, neglected, and abandoned, your self-image will be negatively distorted.
Because you believe that the way others perceive and treat you is a reflection of the person you are, you believe you deserve whatever treatment you get.
These aren’t necessarily conscious processes; they mostly happen on a subconscious and automatic level. That’s why we often don’t question our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and only realize that something’s off when we observe other people or another person questions our decisions.
You might see how other parents are towards their children, or someone might ask you, “Why do you always date people who treat you like dirt?”
Without necessarily realizing it, we all accept the love we think we deserve. In this article, I will explore the reasons why we accept the love we think we deserve in more detail and offer some advice on how to overcome it.
How Attachment Style Influences Relationship Choices
For infants and children to survive, they must attach to their caregiver(s). This dynamic process between a child and its caregiver influences how they feel and behave in life and relationships.
Attachment style is the blueprint for how we relate to other people and the world.
You will likely develop a secure attachment style if your family life is supportive, nurturing, and loving. Your self-esteem and self-worth are healthy, and you believe you deserve loving and supportive relationships.
If you have an insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), your early environment didn’t fulfill your emotional and development needs appropriately.
Here is an example of how that might play out:
Lily grew up fearing her father. He was impatient, volatile, and aggressive. Although he provided no affection or support, he had extremely high expectations of her academic performance. When she was top of her class, he would praise her; if her grades were anything less than perfect, he would scold her. He treated her mother with the same disdain and impatience, and they separated when she was still young.
Growing up in this environment led her to develop an insecure attachment style and instilled the beliefs that she is:
- Not worthy of love
- Deeply flawed and unlovable
- Helpless and deserving of mistreatment
- And that love is conditional and painful
Her romantic relationships mirrored her beliefs, and she ended up with one toxic partner after another. She had no boundaries, felt desperate to be accepted and loved by them, and believed she had to prove herself worthy of their love.
How Self-Verification Theory Influences Relationship Choices
Self-verification theory suggests that we want others to know and understand us according to the firmly held beliefs and feelings we have about ourselves.
According to this theory, a person with negative self-views (e.g., “I am unlovable”) will seek out and commit to a partner whose appraisal aligns with these views – because it provides a stable and consistent sense of reality and self.
Of course, it works the other way too: if we hold positive views about ourselves, we want a partner who views and treats us accordingly.
Therefore, self-verification can be good and enhance commitment and relationship satisfaction, provide validation, and lead to a deeper emotional connection. If the self-views are very negative, however, it can reinforce these negative views and limit personal growth and change.
“In the context of relationships, self-verification serves as a foundation that strengthens the bond between partners, but it should be approached with caution, particularly when concerning negative self-views.” – Johnson and Greenberg (2020)
Self-verification also leads to biased appraisal of people’s intentions and behaviors and self-fulfilling prophecies. That is, you look for information that will confirm your beliefs and behave in ways that will make your fears more likely to happen.
Here’s an example of how this can manifest in relationships:
Matt’s parents loved him and treated him with respect and affection. He had everything he wanted and enjoyed a happy childhood. Over the years, however, his parents’ relationship turned more and more distant, and they argued frequently, though they were always careful to put on a happy face when Matt and his siblings were around.
One day, his mother announced that his father was leaving, that he had found another partner and would be moving in with her and her children. He left and hardly visited Matt and his siblings. His mother became severely depressed and struggled to engage with her children. He essentially lost both of his parents, which made him feel abandoned and lonely.
Once Matt started dating, he was filled with anxiety that he couldn’t quite explain. His boyfriends were kind, respectful, and affectionate, but there was always an underlying anxiety, a sense that they’d turn around any minute and leave.
He looked for signs that they were cheating on him, second-guessed everything they said, and pushed them away. Eventually, they’d leave and Matt’s fears were confirmed: “Everybody always leaves me.”
Although Matt did believe he was worthy of love and had partners who confirmed this belief, it was mixed with a sense that the people he loves eventually abandon him.
As this belief formed part of his self-image, he looked for information that confirmed it (self-verification). He negatively interpreted and second-guessed their intentions and behaviors (bias) and behaved in ways that made it more likely they would leave (self-fulfilling prophecy).
In Summary
Our early experiences of love and relationships give us an understanding of our worth and what we believe we deserve. We develop an attachment style based on these early experiences and look for relationships that fulfill our unmet childhood needs.
Inevitably, however, we seek out relationships and partners who confirm our firmly held beliefs – negative or positive – as this gives us a stable sense of reality and self. So rather than healing our past wounds, these relationships further deepen negative beliefs.
Because this happens mostly subconsciously, recovery involves bringing these processes into awareness, healing the inner child, and embarking on a journey of transformation.
How to Start Accepting the Love You Actually Deserve
For you to seek and accept love that is healthy and allows you to grow and flourish, you must first become aware of your 1) attachment style 2) negative beliefs, and 3) maladaptive behaviors.
That means the first step is self-awareness.
Self-Awareness
For Lily, it was her relationship with John, who would burst into violent rage at the smallest thing, isolated her from friends, and almost had her fired from her job, that pushed her to seek professional help.
The therapist said to her, “You believe you deserve to be mistreated and don’t deserve to be happy or loved. You go for guys who treat you like your father did because you never experienced anything different. This is your concept of love so naturally, when someone treats you badly, you think it means they love you.”
Therapy is one way of bringing into awareness those beliefs and patterns that are subconscious but very influential and often damaging. But there are other strategies to build self-awareness, including:
- Journalling: writing down your thoughts and feelings regularly and then reviewing what you have written to find patterns.
- Mindfulness: building a mindfulness practice will develop your ability to objectively evaluate yourself compassionately.
- Reflect: take 10 minutes a day just to sit and reflect on your relationships and how your early relationships might be affecting your current ones.
- Speak to friends: there might be someone in your life you can speak to about your relationship patterns – someone who knows you well and can give you an objective view of your behaviors.
Healing Childhood Wounds
Healing the past can be a difficult and long process, but it’s worthwhile as it will provide some clarity and closure.
Here are some ideas for healing childhood wounds:
- Therapy is one of the safest, most structured and effective ways to delve into your childhood
- Reflect on your childhood and make a list of what was good, strange, and/ or traumatic
- Acknowledge the difficulty/ trauma you experienced
- Picture your child-self and tell her/him that you are sorry they had to live through that and that you’re proud of how they managed
- Remember that your attachment style and its associated behaviors and challenges are coping mechanisms you learned to survive in a difficult environment – don’t judge yourself.
- Practice forgiveness for yourself, your parents/ caregivers, and anyone else who has hurt you – forgiveness is not about relieving the other person of their guilt or responsibility; it’s about relieving the burden it bears on you and releasing the heaviness in your heart.
Transformation
Although working on your childhood trauma is important and useful, there comes a point when you must focus on the present and the future and leave the past in the past.
This is called transformation and involves practicing self-acceptance, compassion, self-development, and self-care.
Self-acceptance and Compassion
Practicing self-acceptance means you accept yourself as you are, with all your positive and negative traits – you accept and love who you are unconditionally.
When you fully accept yourself and believe that despite it all, you are lovable and worthy, you will start wanting the best for yourself and accept love that reflects this.
Transformation is about positive change but it’s not about fighting or judging yourself.
If you’re constantly working on your growth, it can lead to shame, guilt, and self-deprecation if you have a bad day or don’t achieve everything you set yourself.
That’s why self-acceptance and compassion are important features of transformation because you transform the relationship you have with yourself. You become your own non-judgmental, kind, and forgiving best friend.
Here are a few techniques you can try:
- Write down what you perceive to be your weaknesses and flaws. Then explore them and try to frame them differently. For example, if you believe you are broken, explore why you feel that way and then frame it differently like “I am thankful for the experiences that have allowed me to learn and grow”.
- Make a list of your achievements and strengths and whenever you feel down, read that list, and accept that you have a lot going for you and that there’s a lot to be grateful for.
- Reflect on how your relational beliefs developed (e.g., “Love hurts” or “Everyone always leaves/ lets me down”), why you might have an insecure attachment, and struggle to have healthy relationships. Then practice forgiveness and compassion.
Self-development
Self-development is about becoming the best version of yourself with the help of goal-setting and self-care. The aim is to build your self-worth and self-esteem so that you start accepting the love you actually deserve (not the love your negative beliefs think you deserve).
So self-development doesn’t mean only focusing on your relationship, although that is a big part; it means working on yourself in all aspects and connecting with the best version of yourself.
First, you must establish who the best version of yourself is. What are you doing? Where are you living and working? What are your relationships like? How do you feel?
Visualize this version of yourself and let go of any constraints you put on your dreams. Then, think about the steps you must take to get there. Every tiny step in the right direction will eventually lead to your goal.
Therefore: set goals, keep track of your activities, achievements, and draw-backs, find ways to get past obstacles, and always keep the vision in mind – especially when your motivation is low.
Self-Care
Self-care is an important aspect of self-acceptance and self-development. It means taking care of your emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical health.
Do something for your physical health like exercise, hiking/ walking, eating healthy, etc.
Tend to your mental and emotional health by going to therapy, healing your attachment insecurities, reading self-help books/ resources, trying new things, connecting with nature, etc.
Learn new information, do a course, and read books to stimulate your intellectual needs.
The main thing is to focus on your well-being, feeling good about yourself and the person you are becoming, and doing all this with patience and compassion. When you respect and love yourself, you will enjoy healthier relationships and find the love you deserve.
